Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
