Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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