I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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