There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
