if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
