dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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