ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
