well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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