Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
