I wish I could punch you in the face.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
