Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
