uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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