Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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