Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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