I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
