I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
we're making bets on your personal life
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
