He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
