I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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