i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
