omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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