elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
