Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
