I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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