got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
