I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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