woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
