While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My dick has a subreddit
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
