and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
