New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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