There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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