.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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