New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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