what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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