I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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