I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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