shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
