she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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