my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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