I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
