don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
