did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Are we still banned from the library?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
