dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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