Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i love accidental penises.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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