I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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