I am in a vortex of obligation.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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