I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
