i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
