my phone needs a breathalizer
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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