I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
where are my eyebrows?
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