if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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