Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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