He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
