Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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