This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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