The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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