we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
