I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
